This morning I woke from a powerful erotic dream of ... my wife. We were making love, doggie position, and it was, well, very satisfying. It would not have been a good idea to wake her too, at 5 am, to finish off what my subconscious clearly wanted. Not a good idea at all. So I lay there staring at the ceiling and thinking about our life together, nursing a massive hard-on.
The day before, I was woken from another erotic dream, this time with a bloke. We were in a hotel room, high up, with a view over some city. He was very handsome, with dark curly hair, pretty much like the bloke in the pic. Perhaps that was where the dream came from. Anyway, I was impaled on him in an entirely pleasing, sexy and fulfilling way. In this case, I also woke up before the climax. (Is there some hidden pattern here?) Perhaps the nicest part of the whole dream was that I could feel his desire for me. I could see it in his smile, in his face. Definitely wish fulfillment, that!
Your subconscious doesn't lie. When you dream of a man or a woman sexually, or of both, it's reflecting a profound reality, a truth, from deep inside. There was a time when I thought bisexuality was a con: a transition phase to gayness. And for some people it is. Many straights I've mentioned this topic to are inclined to believe that if you desire or love another man, you are by definition gay, even if you also love and desire a woman. If you have one drop of gayness in you then you are ipso facto gay, just as it used to be considered in regard to black blood. Which is rubbish.
Our culture likes nice convenient labels and divisions. Somehow, if we can just say 'it is thus', we can come to grips with complex phenomena, we can make the world less scary because we have labelled it. We confuse the label with reality. But reality is much more diverse and complex than these simple categories. I am what I am. I respond emotionally and sometimes sexually to men. But I also respond emotionally and sexually to woman. Some people would call me 'gay', others 'self-deluding', or 'in a phase'. Some 'hypocritical' or 'dishonest'. Actually I have news for all of you. I am me. Put me in a box at your peril.
Meanwhile, later today, after my lady gets home from work ....
I have written about this a lot. Here are some more blog posts:
Labels
Queer but not gay
Saturday Night Thoughts
Special
Thought Experiment
Gay Sex by Any Name
Letter from Thomas
What Makes Us Gay
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