Weight and psychology

When I was a lightie, I had a hellish time at school.  I was (am) Asperger-ish/mildly autistic and I was also effeminate.  In the brutal hell of a boy's school that was enough to make me an outsider and enough to provoke continuous bullying.  In one incident, I was partially blinded in one eye.  To this day, fifty years on, I have to dig deep into my reserves of courage to go into a room of male strangers.

I coped by retreating into my own world, and by eating.  Once a week, on Thursday, we drove into town to do the shopping, and we went to the library.  How magical that was!  I was allowed to take out two books.  I would read and re-read them over the next week, and my favourite way to do this was to lie on my bed sipping a cup of cocoa or eating a sandwich or a bowl of peanuts.  It didn't help that I was part of  family that loved food, and my mother would always push us to "clean our plates", so I would dutifully eat more, even though I was full.

I slimmed down in late adolescence and my early twenties, because I was so busy: surfing, mountaineering, walking, riding.  In those days, young people didn't have cars.  We walked everywhere.  For example, I used to take the train to uni, then walk a couple of miles uphill (U.C.T. is on the slopes of Table Mountain).  I used to ride my sister's horse up our street, which was a dirt road, into the nature reserve on the slopes of the mountain.  I would walk to my friend's house, which was a good five miles each way.  In summer, I would swim a mile 3 or 4 times a week.  My waist was a remarkable 28, my chest 38.

But then I got a desk job, and depression, which, to quote Georges Moustaki:

Ell' ne me quitte pas d'un pas Fidèle comme une ombre Elle m'a suivi ça et là Aux quatre coins du monde


                "ne me quittait pas d'un pas".  When I get depressed I eat.  And drink.

So my weight started to rise,  Every so often, I would go on a strict diet, and my weight would fall, but, my psychological need for comfort would eventually have me going back to what I was doing before.  I tried Weight Watchers, and I lost weight, but I was always hungry.  I tried this diet and that, and they all worked.  Temporarily.  I even tried hypnotherapy.

For a while, running and cycling kept my weight under control,  But then all the running I did damaged my knees and ankles,  Today I can't run at all, and can only walk short distances.  On the other hand, I'm not depressed any more.  Often, actually, I am piercingly happy. Despite my joints!

But now I have an incentive to lose weight.  In a year or so, we will be retiring, to a small coastal town in country Victoria.  I'll tell you more about that in another post.  And if I want to walk along the beach every day, then I will have to lose some weight.  The orthopaedic surgeon said that often in cases like mine, losing a lot of weight helps.  And I really do want to be able to walk on the beach every day.  To wear a speedo without looking like a blimp.   So that's what I'm going to try and do.  I have a real goal now.  Retirement, and my happiness when I am retired.

Road sign at Cabbage Tree Creek
Distances in kilometres

Happy list

Each day I make a list of things to be happy about.  It's a little technique I've found which helps when I'm down.

Here's today's list:

Arctotis/Gousblom

The perfect little white daisies (bellis perennis, I think) are thickly sprinkled on the lawn, startlingly white against the spring green.  The annual gousblom (arctotis) is everywhere, the little flower heads turned and turning towards the sun.  The pin oak (quercus palustris) is budding as is the nyssa and the copper beech (fagus sylvatica purpurea) has its wonderful copper/bronze buds.  Such beautiful trees.

White Bellis Perennis growing in a meadow

My knee is getting a little bit less sore.  And I'm slowly losing the weight I must to eliminate pain completely.  I am otherwise well.  My back isn't too bad.

Copper beech foliage

I'm writing again.  Not much, not fluently, but I am writing.  I even wrote on the train today, for the first time in weeks.

We are paying off our debts

Played clarinet today, and I'm determined to do it every day from now on.  My technique has gone to hell, but my fingers remember where the notes are.  Lips not yet strong enough though.  Will have to build their strength up over time.

At work, I'm beating the All Ords index, which is VERY hard to do.  Especially in volatile markets.  Don't expect it to last though.  The Goddess of markets is readying herself to punish me.

Advancing in Spanish.  Perfectly understood Lesson 5 of the course today for the first time.  And I'm committed to doing some every day.  Progress!

I might not have any friends, but I have my lady and my children and they compensate!  I'm so glad I have them.

I have beauty, shelter, food, books, music, passable health, a decent job, people to love.  My life is full.    What more do I need?   There is so much to be glad about.

See?  That was easy.  :-)

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