Cowboy

I wonder why cowboys are so sexy.  Is it because they are seen as manly?  And is that because of internalised homophobia, that we somehow see 'manly' men as more 'valid' than us homos?  Is it because they are all men together in nature, forced into a rough male companionship because they need each other out there in the bush? 

When I was a boy I used to read westerns avidly, and I still remember, all these years later, a story which reached a soaring romantic pitch for me.  A man and his friend are escaping from a town having been in a gunfight.  The man is bleeding from a gunshot wound, and can only ride slowly.  His friend refuses to leave him to his fate, but rides by his watching over him, waiting for the inevitable.  For a lonely, bullied, queenie boy at school this summed up my hope for a friend in my life, long before I had any idea of my sexuality.  Someone who loved me despite everything, someone strong and manly who was my friend, despite me being effeminate and not at all manly, someone who would stick by me through thick and thin. 

I've moved on from that, I think.  I hope.  After all, friends come in many guises.  But there is still a romantic frisson when I see a real cowboy and remember.

Football

No not "footy".  That's the Ozzie rules version.  American football, with their lycra "girdles" and wall-to-wall bulges.

Nice.  And good that they're so matey with each other.  Warms my heart.

Majorca Flats -- 98

Jason couldn't bring himself to speak. Instead, he took her hand and held it, and she squeezed it back.

When at last she did speak, her voice was ragged. “He … took his own life. I'd been out, and when I came home he had … he was … he'd hanged himself. He …” but here she was unable to continue, and, now crying freely, she rested her head on one hand and vigorously scrubbed her eyes with a wad of bundled-up tissues held in the other.

Jason couldn't speak either, his own loss and grief mirrored in hers. Together, they wept, joined in grief, joined in regrets.

At last, Eleanor stopped. “We're a fine pair,” she said forlornly. She sat in silence a while longer, then added, as an afterthought, “So you see why I blame myself.”

“Oh but Mrs Cum … Eleanor … it wasn't you who are to blame. It's the bullies. They're to blame, not you. They were the ones who drove him to his death. Not you!”

“But I might have saved him. See, I thought it was perfectly fine for a boy to be like he was, but not a man. Men should be manly. Not quirky or funny of effeminate. That's what I thought. So he never got to be a man, because of my stupidity, my prejudice. I worked it all out afterwards. I should have done something, but deep down, I was afraid, I was reluctant to let him grow up the way he was, to be what he was. How very stupid I was!” There was a long silence. At last, she said, so quietly Jason almost didn't hear, “Well, I've had twenty years to reflect on my folly.”

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Majorca Flats -- 26

A masculine role model

But with this guy, he wanted to do the possessing, to ride him till they both climaxed, to have him, to fuck him silly. Was it because he was thinking of this man as a woman? He was embarrassed by this politically incorrect sentiment. Was he some kind of 1950s troglodyte, unable to set aside the outdated and incorrect cultural patterns of that homophobic era? Was he deep down no different to the squeaky-clean pastors threatening homos with fire and brimstone while secretly lusting after the altar-boys? A little ashamed, he turned to the other man, and said, “My name's Jason.”

The other gave him a sudden smile, accomplished but rather endearing anyway, and took another drag on his cigarette before saying, “Luigi.”

Jason smiled back at him, his shyness fading. His frank was as hard as ever.

“You want to come to my place?” asked Luigi, his whole bearing intimate and appealing.

Jason swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. Jeez, it was almost as if this really was his first time. He nodded, unable to speak. Without being aware of it, he put a more masculine swagger into his step as they walked from the park.

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