So I did. It took a lot of courage. I was afraid of their disapproval and disdain, of losing their friendship. I had only a couple of close friends, and I didn't want to reduce that number any further.
Well, they made all the right noises. "I'm so glad you trusted me with this, N." "It doesn't surprise me, but it doesn't change anything." Yeah, right. The bloke who said that at once started making a point of sitting as far from me as possible when we met, with his arms crossed tightly across his chest. The other one, a born-again Christian, with all the baggage that brings with it, said all the right things, but suddenly stopped phoning me.
I haven't seen either of them for 2 years now. Despite all their political correctness, their real feelings have been revealed (as so often is the case) by their deeds.
I can console myself by saying that this is the real me, and if they don't like it, well, fuck them. Except that I miss them. I was very fond of them And now I have no close friends. The guy who pushed me to come out has died. And the others have dumped me. We'd been friends for 15 years.
A friend is, as it were, a second self. [Marcus Tullius Cicero.] Yes, and their betrayal hurts.
Then, about a year ago, I got to talking with a bloke on the train. He was a nice man, with a kind face, and he seemed intelligent and funny. We started down the road of friendship. So when he asked me what I was doing on my laptop, I thought it would be OK. I told him. I was working on Wilde Oats. Oh, he said, and immediately looked it up on his smartphone. Next day he was still friendly, a week later he was sitting on a different seat and wouldn't meet my eyes and now he travels in another carriage altogether (the trains are in units of 2 or 3 coaches, and you can only move around within one unit.)
Ah well. The world is what it is, and I don't have the strength to try to force change on it. But I won't be telling anyone else soon that I write romantic m2m stories or that I edit a gay-shaded e-zine. Nor will I be trusting straight blokes again.
