Because Blogger's "Adult warning" often goes into a perpetual loop (isn't working properly), I will be making all new posts at my WordPress blog. You can follow it even if you do not have a WordPress Account. There're also my Twitter and my Tumblr blog, my Facebook and my Google+ page and my group.
(Update: Blogger hasn't fixed its problem with the "adult warning". Will go back to posting at my WordPress blog)

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

She'll be right



For the first time since the Henrik disaster; since my father-in-law, my best friend's wife and my mother died; since the GFC and all that meant for me and our income--for the first time I feel OK.

People always equate sadness and depression.  But they're not the same at all.  Believe me, I know.  Sadness is pain; it hurts.  It's alive.   Depression is a nothingness, an emptiness, a greyness.  First there was sadness and grief.  Then came depression.  But slowly that greyness has faded.  I won't say I have the energy and joie-de-vivre I had 7 years ago, or when I was young, but I feel  better.  It's been a horrible journey; I've been to hell and back, but I've survived.

I've learnt some good lessons.  I shan't trust love or men again.  I shall go on looking for things to be grateful for, making my little lists each day.  But I shall be content.  Which isn't the same as 'happy' but may be better in the end.  Contentment is far better than depression.

I think I'm going to nuke the secret on-line diary I've been keeping all this time.  It helped when I needed it: somebody to vent to, somebody to let my bitterness and anger and depression out to.  None of my 'friends' helped.   That too is a useful lesson.  Just because I'm no longer depressed doesn't mean I don't remember.  Even if I forgive.

And start saving for our visit to Paris, one day.  I want to see it once again before I die.

Onwards and upwards.

No comments: